Letting Go

Image

 

Letting Go…two words…powerful yet so hard to live it. to follow it..

This year, I have experienced the most meaningful holy week ever. At least for me. My plan is just really to attend the Be Still Recollection and do the other holy week traditions on my own. Well that’s what I have been doing! But God has a different version this year.

Yes, I asked God to surprise me and mind you He did..BIG Time..Just when I thought I will just attend, God made me do something I never thought I would do..ACT on stage..Yes, and drama it is..Oh my G…Me? Drama..Dance, yes..Comedy, Yes. But drama isn’t my thing Lord.

I was so nervous, i really don’t know what emotions I should show to make my character send the right message. I am a cry baby I know but the wound assigned to my character is something I have not and hopefully will not experience. So how’s that?

I tried to experiment. But friends told me that anger really will not work on the message because when I get intense I tend to eat my words and they don’t understand what I am saying. So when I went home that night until the morning when we will act (btw, that’s the singles presentation of Feast Alabang on a Good Friday) I am really praying that God will help me bring the right emotions.And just when we are about to come up on stage, Bro Yo saw me..Nervous and anxious. When I told him the reason, he smiled and prayed for me.

And surprise, God’s grace fall upon us. Each and every lead actor and actress just delivered the right emotions. The banners, the songs. The whole message of the presentation rocked the Filinvest Tent! If that’s not God’s grace, then I dunno what it is. Everyone affirmed all of US. Yes, the singles presentation was a success and I was a part of it. God really surprised me big time.

And the messages of the speakers and Bro Arun really left a big surprise in me as well. My favorite take home message? “God made a difficult decision for us. Are we willing to make a difficult decision for him?”. Fr Dave Concepcion shared this on Good Friday too.

As the Easter Triduum ended I am still trying to find out what’s that suppose to mean. Until I started reading the book Captivating. I am still reading it, not even half way but bottled up feelings started rising up making me see how wounded I am as a girl and as a woman now. I dunno how to deal with it and sadly hurting some people I spend time a lot lately. But that’s my reality, yes I am accepting God’s challenge of stepping out of my boat and walking on water. And I am so proud to declare it not knowing that all the wounds of my past are just there. Hidden deep within as I don’t wanna face them ever. I am healed.That’s what I thought. 

A friend gave me this as an advise; don’t overanalyze and overthink! So that you will not miss out on the blessings God is giving you every second. Just do what you have to do; reflect and let Go!

Whoa!!! Lord How can you be so accurate and faithful? I know I have allowed my emotions to consume me lately but here you are reminding me through a friend who also has been undergoing something lately. I was so amazed.You really are so full of surprises!

Then as I spend time to rest and relax, you lead me to watch the first part of the Bible Series. Reading it is something but visually seeing what happened made me appreciate it more. The kind of faith Abraham and Moses had, made me cry. How can I doubt you Lord when you have made everything available for me. When you have given me all the blessings every single day. I may not have all the things I wanted, but I know I have what I need.

And the best part of it; you have given me Jesus as my Savior, inspiration, dream giver and love giver. You have showered with so much love so I shouldn’t allow anything make me forget this reality.

Lord you have been faithful even in times I have forgotten you. Now I know who I really am and I belong to you. Continue to speak to me and make me a channel of your love. Whatever I feel Lord, I am surrendering them to you and i’ll wait on your promise Lord. I know You will provide. I wanna love Lord, but I am willing to let go of my personal details and let you unfold your version of my dream. Greater things that I have never imagined. Lord have your way in me. Amen

 

 

 

Silence

silencePeople know me as a wacky and loud person. I crack jokes and I laugh a lot especially when I’m with friends. But recently I choose not to talk and say a word? Why? I honestly can’t give you a valid answer. I just can’t.

There was a time when a friend told me I was too proud to realize how much I am loved despite the wounds I have in the past. I tried hard to digest that which ended up affecting the people around me. I tried to look for answers and ended up reading the book that same friend asked me to read.

Since that fateful night; wounds of the past started to surpass again making me realize how wounded I am as a little girl and even until now. I know that I am loved because I have friends who accepted me and my painful and dark past. But because I am not good in explaining myself and for the many times I choose not to say anything I know I have hurt some people who are closest to me now. Some hurting like me.

Lord I am writing to you today as my mind is paralyzed and my heart so broken. I don’t wanna hurt people because of my pain. I wanna choose to love but please please show me how.

I know I haven’t really listened to you and tried my best to find the answers on my own. But Father, more than anyone I know I needed to surrender everything to you.  Break my silence. Break the chains of all the unexplainable pains. I belong to you and I wanna be with you. Please hold my hand and let me remember that Your love is more than enough to break me free from all of these. Amen